It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize