You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
