My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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