Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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