theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize