guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
DRUNK COOKIES
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