Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
