My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i think i just lost a toe
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
