Im at strip club and am horny
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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