Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
