Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
