my vag is so smooth its legendary
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
