Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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