Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
