You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
