he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
