saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
