you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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