I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
