I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
