Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
