the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
