He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
