just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
