Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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