take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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