You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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