Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
