The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
