you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
