im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
