I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
