Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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