Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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