You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How naked do you want me to be?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize