You smell like a Billy Joel song
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
