if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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