I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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