Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
