remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
