Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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