I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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