i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm sobbing to NWA
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
