I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
