i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Someone came in the potted fern
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
