you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
