she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
