I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
