I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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