I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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