A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
