You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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