Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She's the barista slut.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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