she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We smell like vodka and hangover
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