I wanna bring you to show and tell
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize