totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
