I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm both gender and math confused
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
