fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
