she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
