i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
