I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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